Direct vs. Indirect

Direct game means approaching a woman with open intent. You make her aware of your desire either verbally or with body language.

When do you do direct game? During the day or,  at night when your status is higher than hers or she is already attracted to you. However, even if she is not attracted to you, simply by approaching her and putting it all on the line demonstrates alpha characteristics ( confidence ) which can switch on attraction all by itself.  So how can your status be higher than hers? If you are in the same room as her, DHVing in ways like  enjoying the company of other attractive women and being alpha (leader of your group) then she may already be attracted.

Direct works well during the day. When put together with a time constraint you can get a number close, she gets attracted by your confidence and yet both of you can exit out of this high stakes but exciting situation quickly. 
Remember, people going about their business during the day  at a shopping mall, for example, are not in a social situation. Doing indirect during the day is not as productive and a little wierd since the woman will know what you're up to anyway - she won't have time for it and neither will you.


The problem with Direct game at night is that, in many cases, it becomes a Yes/No ultimatum for the woman when you tell her that you like her. Even if she is initially attracted the chemistry may not spark and she may feel burdened by your presence especially if you are in a club and it is early in the night. So, if she is already attracted to you, your status is higher and you can demonstrate that she won't be burdened if attraction doesn't build then go direct at night.



Indirect Game means approaching with active disinterest verbally and through body language. You communicate this with tactics such as opinion openers, pointing your feet away while talking to a group and saying things such as 'I've only got a second but..'

When do you do indirect game? if a woman is not yet attracted to you or her status is higher than yours then indirect gives you the time to game her because she feels that you are not a threat. It works well where there is a big age difference. A 45 year old directly hitting on a 20 year old without attraction can feel sleazy to a girl but approaching indirectly can get her to want you through building attraction in a way that feels comfortable for her.

The disadvantage of indirect is that you may just become friends with the girl (by being non-sexual on open) and the Beta style of indirect body language and opinion openers. However these disadvantages should be mitigated after the open by discarding the open style once in set. i.e. now you are facing them, getting sexual, controlling the group etc. - all Alpha traits. Anyway as an older guy you likely have good internal game and status having accomplished significant things in your life.

Where there is age disparity use indirect, otherwise either method depending on the circumstance.

What women think of Nice Guys

This is from  one woman on why she doesn't appreciate so-called nice guys:

"When I'm with a guy who is very easy to please, I don't feel a need to take the relationship any further. I don't have an interest in getting dressed up because hes happy regardless, or even do little things for him.. Women want somebody they can look up to, someone they have to go out of their way to please. Its intriguing, its fun, it pushes us to be better. Challenge our ideas every once in awhile, you don't have to be mean, but if your so easy to get along with then a woman might feel that you're desperate, and that she can be easily replaced by any girl.

If a woman can land a guy with high standards, its like winning the lottery. You're proud to be with the person you're with, you know you fought for them. And you know they must truly look up to you if "love" wasn't a word that was in their vocabulary before they met you, and now it is.

From3: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Why_do_women_not_prefer_%27nice%27_guys#ixzz18qV9D9gR

Open Log: No Approach=Nothing to learn

Went out last night and did not attempt to open one set. Felt very self conscious all night. Everytime I thought about approaching I froze and thought only about being rejected.I felt intimidated by the high level of energy by sets and when I saw a HB10 all I could think of was how beautiful she was and just ogled.

On reflection, what I should have done given my low energy was:
1) Talked myself into just opening without having any expectations.
2) Set clear goals beforehand (e.g. open four sets only)
3) Persuaded one of the women I was hanging out with to be my pivot and get her to open for me.
In other words I didn't adapt to my state of mind, neither did I make an attempt to change it. Part of the problem may have been that the women I was hanging out were part of a larger group and when I made attempts to warm-open these I got very little hook. This sunk my energy a little.
So even if I am not in the mood, I should practice some part of pick-up so that I can get more practice.

Sexual silence

There's a very interesting point in every interaction just after attraction has been growing steadily. You feel like something is about to happen, it's coming, and then...it does. It's suddenly silent. You seem to have run out of things to say, can't remember routines and the silence creeps in between the two of you.  It gets awkward, tension increases then suddenly shoots up through the roof.  You both feel really uncomfortable.  You look at each other nervously. Then you do one of two wrong things; either you get up and say 'Hey, Why don't you give me your number and we'll see that band you like' or you smather the moment with inane babble / questions.  You're talking again but something just got sucked out of the air between you. She looks at you.  Attraction dwindles and its over.

Miss the moment and you're sunk

What happened here? You felt the uncomfortable moment and then did what you're supposed to do - you fixed it.  Then why did her attraction sink?

She lost attraction because that uncomfortable moment wasn't created from a lack of things to say, rather it was there because the interaction had led to this very point. The point to take action.  It's often hard to detect but the woman knows its there and you're supposed to.

Trying to gloss over this moment or patch it up with chat  is a big mistake and women can be very unforgiving about this sort of thing.

Remember you're job is to lead. You have to take responsibility for everything - including this awkward moment. That silence, when there is attraction, is sexual silence, the moment before the good stuff breaks through. It is a shared moment of intimacy that feels  uncomfortable,  creates a strong feeling of anxiety but is sexual. If you try and ignore it or leave her at that moment you are communicating your fear of sexuality. You have demonstrated that you will not be able to lead her sexually. That is exactly what you project when you dodge the moment.  She will chalk you down as asexual, fearful and will lose attraction for you.

But there's a a simple way to fix it. Hold the moment then kiss her. It doesn't matter if she complies or not but it demonstrates that you are comfortable with sexual tension and you will lead the sex to  places she wants to go.

Confidence, status, authenticity & warmth, social status are important but remember that the number one thing you are trying to project confidence  - will be gone in a puff of smoke if you are not comfortable with sexual tension. You are responsible for what you project. So take care of it.
Sexuality is an iceberg topic because on the surface we demonstrate our virility in the chase, we negate it at these critical moments because of  deeper issues that are related to intimacy.

Open Log: "You'll stay here until I decide you go" True quote

Out at a packed city bar and I spy this cute looking drunk girl. Walk right past her and she gives me this strong IOI with her eyes. I turn to her and say 'You look like trouble' she: 'I am' then we chit chat about her accent. I do a compliance test 'give me your hands' She does 'lower them'  she does. (passing test means I can escalate).  I then do a cold read based on what I see in her hands. She has some callouses so I reckon she does some manual labour and gardening. I 'm right on the money with the cold read. She then says she's ugly etc but I start complimenting her. She easily baited me and I felt like I was entering nice guy death territory with compliments and ass kissing. Still,  she doesn't run away. I keep on holding her hands and do a triangular gaze. We kiss. I then say (to demonstrate I can walk away)  'I was right about you being trouble. I should go back to my friends.' Then she drops this bombshell:

"You'll stay here until I decide you go"

It's important to understand the meaning she was conveying here. What she strongly communicated by her tone and body language was 'I have the power. You are only here because I say so and you will only stay for as long as I find you amusing'.

Wow!

So I say 'That's where you're wrong'. I disengage and turn and walk away. I was committed to walking off an not coming back.
Now you know exactly what happened next!
She grabs my arm and pulls me in.
Then I give her a kiss and she grinds into me like a pornstar.

A great learning moment discovering  a) What a woman is really thinking and b) How to pull the rug from under that thinking, take full control and have her desire you irrationally.

Club Game ABC

Club game means dealing with a super loud and charged environment where it is difficult to run normal game. You really have to have a lot of energy to be the center of attention in clubs.

Try this:

a) Approach a 2 set (usually HB5-7s are in two sets)

b) Run opener, routine and DHV

c) Once in, Pivot them to approach a 5 set with higher Hbs
d) Introduce the girls, neg your target, friend the guys
e) Work on your target with disinterest, DHVs and routines (short is better).
f) Get her alone by bringing her out to the smoking area.
g) Run game on her out there.

Remember, the dance floor is death. Once you go to the floor she may not get off or her friends will come back and will AFOG you.
If you do get stuck on the floor or managed to get a girl to dance with you (an IOI) then tell her to come with you, turn your back and walk off. If she does, you have a very high chance of number and kiss closing once you take her to a quieter location.

Are you that sleazy old guy in the club? Problems when out alone.

'Ewwww!' she says, 'look at that creepy old guy hitting on Ariel!' and in come the drag away police.  This is what, unfortunately,  women will think of you - and worse, when you are out alone and do the wrong things in a club/bar.

Don't be this guy. Alone and ogling girls

Going it alone is hard. Going it alone when you are twice the average age of everyone in the club is extremely hard.  Why go then? A night venue is the coliseum and you are the gladiator.You decide to enter this environment simply because of the large volume of women in the one location where mistakes are made and learned from rapidly. How rapidly? One night of club game equals three months reading books or blogs like this.  Think of it as an exciting solo mission with the opportunity to train in zero sum terrain. You must approach, open and hook mixed sets under extreme conditions. The goal is simple: improve your skills and develop mastery. You're not there (as a beginner)  to pick up women. 

So how do you survive solo club game? It's all about your mental state. The difference between a creep and a winsome individual is that a one exudes confidence and is pushy while a creep is just pushy without any confidence. You can be a sleaze at 20 or 50.  I know a 60 year guy who goes to clubs and is a very cool individual that nearly always end up with an entourage. He's neither rich nor famous nor sleazy, creepy nor wierd. He goes the hell where he wants when he wants and commands respect.

The club is not a place to sit on a couch, have a beer and stare at girls. Don't be a perv, sit alone and ogle, drink alcohol, have an outcome or be needy; you are there to train.  

Or this

Remember, the woman of your dreams will not be met in a club. It's going to happen someplace else, in a supermarket, at a PTA, on the plane - but not in the artificial world of pubs and clubs.  You are there to open sets and work through escalation to get a number, friend, or kiss close, most of which will be worthless. So remember to be in training mode at all times and slap yourself on the back because it takes tremendous BALLS to go out and meet women alone without a wing. What you get out of it is the application of knowledge in the field and is the only way to learn.

So how do you avoid looking like a creepy old guy perving after young girls in a nightclub when you are out alone?

1) Be the guy who is friends with everyone.
How do you be friends with everyone - chat with everyone and anyone.

Or this guy. Look at her Body Language. Creeped out.

 Open mixed sets and disqualify yourself from the females so the males will relax (married, engaged etc). You don't want to appear to be there alone and on the hunt. When I enter a club or bar, I walk straight through without looking around as if I am a) already familiar with the place and b) meeting a 'friend and then open someone with the three second rule.

  The problem with people thinking you are alone and on the hunt is that they will likely project low social value on to you, so just make it look that you are looking for friends, waiting for friends or be in set. Once you start opening sets and this is seen, you will generate plenty of SV because you are friends with everyone. Ironically, being on your own, being confident and not looking like you are out for a lay is a DHV on its own. Women will be impressed by the confidence of a guy who can go out on his own.   Plus, it makes it easier for women to game you.  (See the last para for more on this)


2) Have good strong energy.
Be positive and upbeat and look like you are enjoying yourself. You need to get yourself out of your head and into a state before going into the club. A great thing to do before going out is to take an improv or acting class - anything that is with other people and builds energy.  Remember, when you open a set, you need to have just a little bit more energy than them. My mental state is unaffected by the loud music and energy of the crowd - I bring my own energy in and this makes me a 'little cooler'.  Remember the no outcome rule which means that you should be walking away from sets (at high points) because you are not there to pick them up.

3) Don't drink/take drugs
Get a soda and lime and sip it. When asked, tell people it is a gin and tonic, vodka tonic, whatever. Drink hurts game. The whole point of learning game is that you can approach and create attraction in a woman anytime and anywhere day or night- not just when you and her are drunk.  You'll make too many mistakes when drinking and it doesn't compensate for the false bravado.. Plus you won't learn from your experience because the next day it will all be a blur.  When you can game anytime, the thrill of getting a woman into you when both of you are clean and sober is absolutely awesome and incredibly sexual.

4) Go Early
Get there before midnight (depending on bar closing times in your area) before it gets crowded and people get wedged into groups for the night. Start game in the line because there you can actually talk and be heard. Ask them 'Is x DJ playing here?'   Once inside, game the first girl you see near the door by forcing an IOI and asking her about the venue.


SHE GAME
As mentioned above, going it alone has advantages. So let's talk about that for a second.

Advantage 1) She Game
One of the main ones being that women can approach you! We all know that women instigate ninety percent of approaches with Approach Invitations through IOIs so actually making the approach just depends on how much balls she has.  She will most likely game you by ordering a drink beside you, accidentally meeting you in a line, bumping into you and a ton of other not so subtle girl tricks.

However, if  you are stuck with a bunch of guys and a woman across the room finds you attractive, she's not going to walk in and game you like a player, She'll be forced to wait until you excuse yourself to the gents or go off to buy a drink. Even if you with a wing then her friend will have to be into your bud.

Advantage 2) It's a DHV
 Being alone is a DHV because of the confidence it projects about you. Do you know anyone who saunters out alone into the night to pick up women? It takes balls. So when you are out there alone, realize how cool youa are- because women will sense it.

Advantage 3) You are forced into set
Because you can't hang with friends or a wing like a security blanket and spend ages getting up the courage to enter set, you are forced to play the 3 second rule resulting in more sets and thus a better gaming experience. Think Rugby vs. American Football.

Don't date women under 25

It's true, there's quite a few women who, at the age of 19 or so would be happy to date a man of 35 or older.  It's an ego boost fo you and she gets to date someone with experience and confidence with a lot of quirks ironed out. 

I have found that it is quite easy and quick to build attraction in a very young woman and I frequently get the vibe that a one night stand is in the offing.
But lets be clear, these are girls, not women.  What I mean by women and girls is that a girl is a female who is rapidly changing emotionally, intellectually and physically. When a girl reaches 25, 26 or 27 they enter into what I call 'The Bloom'. The Bloom is when a lot of things click into place, they become emotionally mature, know what they want and are sexually entering their peak. I much prefer dating women this age and older.  Entering into a relationship with a younger girl  can be hazardous. She is  changing fast - faster than the relationship can keep up. How she views you will change over time . She may one day wake up and realize that you and her are vastly different than before and the relationship doesn't fulfill her anymore. The gulf of experience between the two of you can be socially, intellectually and romantically crippling. What experiences  and skills can she call on to support you when you need her? What do you really have in common beyond the physical attraction? Since this blog is about finding a woman you can love, marry and have kids with, not just to pick up and date, my advice is to find women in their bloom and older.
Yes, there are exceptions and there's no harm in a one night stand for the mutual benefit and gaming experience but beyond that...

Using Game in Job Interviews

In Game you are told:
* Don't be needy

* Don't be a try hard

* Don't brag or try to impress

So I was at a job interview the other day as a Bond Trader (still have my RR license) and

Signals of Attraction, IOI's

Signals of attraction, Indications of Interest - whatever you like to call them, they are all the non-verbal signals that a woman will give you before and during flirtation, if she is attracted to you.
Let's have a look at some of them:


In a study of 200 girls by NM Moore in 1985, 52 different IOI's were noted.

 

I've noted that women will combine these movements. I was sitting with a woman facing me in a bar recently and she did the following. She leaned (Lean) across the table somewhat then raised up her head towards me (Neck Presentation) then she put her arms to her side which actually pushed her breasts out a little more than previously. 

Mystery, the well known celebrity pickup artist, cites in his book The Mystery Method  the following list of Indicator's of Interest

She mirrors your body movements and posture.
She moves in close to you
She reinitiates conversations when you stop talking
*She giggles
*She touches you
*She tries to get rapport and build comfort with you
*She looks back and glances at you repeatedly ever minute or so
*She tosses her hair (to see if you will look)
*If eye contact happens from a distance, she holds it for a second
*She smiles at you
*She stands nearby (proximity)
*She interrupts your conversation from nearby or laughs at something you said
*While walking by, she turns her body toward you or brushes against you
*She says something to her friend and they both giggle
*She asks you for a light or the time or in any way initiates a conversation
*While you're talking to her group, she is particularly talkative (to get your attention)
*She asks you for your name
*She asks you your age (make her guess)
*She compliments you
*She is playful and tries to challenge you
*She's disagreeing but laughing
*She's punching your arm but laughing
*She uses nicknames for you
*She plays with her hair while talking to you
*When she is sitting next to you her leg touches yours
*She repeatedly touches you in any way
*She asks if you have a girlfriend
*She mentions your girlfriend without knowing if you actually have one
*When she has to go to the bathroom, she comes back
*She holds eye contact for longer periods of time when she speaks with you
*She avoids mentioning her boyfriend
*If it comes up that you like somthing, she mentions that she likes it, too, or needs someone to show her how to do it
*When she says or does something, she looks at you to see your reaction
*She looks at you from the side, to hide the fact that she's looking
*She introduces you to friends
*She buys you a drink
*She calls you a player or a heartbreaker
*On her way out, she reapproaches you to tell you that she is leaving (Get her #)
*On your way out, she asks you where you are going (Invite her)
*She returns your calls
*She invents reasons to be near you, intereact with you, or have isolation with you
Passive IOIs
*Her friends go (to the bathroom or bar or dancing) but she stays
*She moves to see you and hangs with you for extended periods
*If you move, she follows you or waits for you
*She doesn't flinch or pull back if you happen to get too close
*She doesn't resist when you escalate physically (or she gives token resistence to avoid feeling like a slut)
The most important IOIs to look for are:
*She reinitiates conversation when you stop talking
*She giggles
*She touches you
*She tries to get rapport and build comfort with you

And here's Robert Greene in the Art of Seduction differentiating between flirting signals and get lost ones.

I'M INTERESTED...............................DON’T BOTHER ME
Sidelong glance(s)............................Never sneaks a peek
Looks at you a few times...................Fleeting eye contact
Holds your gaze briefly......................Looks away quickly
Downcast eyes, then away.................Looks away, eyes level
Posture changes to alert....................Posture unchanged
Preens, adjusts hair, attire.................Does no preening
Turns body toward you......................Turns body away
Tilts head.........................................Head remains vertical
Narrows eyes slightly........................Eyes remain normal
Smiles.............................................Neutral, polite face
Matches your posture........................Posture unchanged
Eyes sparkle.....................................Normal or dull eyes
Licks her lips.....................................Keeps mouth closed
Thrusts breasts.................................Sags to de-emphasize breasts 

 

KEEP TALKING.......................MOVE ON
Alert, energetic.......................Tense, restless
Pupils dilated..........................Normal or small pupils
Gradually opens posture..........Posture remains closed
Lowers drink...........................Keeps drink high
Touches self gently..................Grips or pinches self
Caresses objects.....................Squeezes, taps objects
Crosses and uncrosses legs......Legs remain crossed
Flashes of palm.......................Back of hand gestures
Crossed legs steady................Swings crossed legs
Dangles shoe on toe................Keeps shoe on
Hands never touch face...........Touches face
Touches you any reason......... Never touches you
Feet firmly on floor................. Feet on edges or toes
Loosens anything....................Tightens anything
Leans forward.........................Leans away
Steady hands, feet..................Tapping, drumming
 

You absolutely know you're in when
-she puts her hand on your leg
-licks her lips when talking to (credit Jester)
-she tries to grab your attention constantly (credit Jester)
-she grabs your crotch or ass (credit acqyr)
-you can see her giving you the doggy dinner bowl eyes (credit X-Ice)
-she takes your cell phone without warning and she put her phone number in (credit Top Gun)

 

The Bad Boy: A narcissist, a little psycho and models himself on Machiavelli?

Be a narcissist, a little psycho and model yourself on Machiavelli and you will have plenty of women in your life.
That's according to research by Peter Jonason of New Mexico State University who studied the “Dark Triad
1) Narcissism,
2) Machiavellianism, and
3) Psychopathy

 You and  I know these as the Bad Boy traits. Dr. J put  200 college students  through the ringer and discovered that men who possessed these traits were more predisposed to seeking casual sexual partners. Uh, what's up doc?  So, what does that say about the women they lure? “We suspect the issue is that they advertise good genes,” Jonason says. “These are dominant men with lots of testosterone, and women are drawn to that type of guy, especially for short-term mating.”
And the “dark triad” traits relate back to the thrill factor. “There is a degree of impulsivity and sensation-seeking in these traits; they’re correlated with strength and extroversion. I think there’s a evolutionary bias that’s developed in these people that rewards them for taking risks,” Jonason says. (Translation: Nice guys finish last.)

While the challenge for a woman of attaining a" good guy" can be daunting, the intimacy associated with a long-term relationship can be far scarier for some. “Girls who go for bad boys tend to avoid deep emotion,” says Jonason “They shy away from stable guys and are drawn to the more wild-card guys because it allows them to keep themselves at an emotional distance.”

Read Dr. Jonason's research here: 

Hugs First!

 According to Elle Magazine, women are more likely to leave a relationship due to lack of emotional support than crap bedroom antics. It's stating the obvious really. However, I would say that a woman is more likely to have an affair if her partner can't provide the sex she needs. Yes, needs. 

 

‘Emotional understanding & intimacy’ the most important element of a relationship for almost half of women (46%) whilst just 2% put sex top of their list

When asked the most likely reasons to end a relationship only 2% of women cited ‘poor sex life’, versus 38% who said ‘lack of emotional support’ was a deal breaker

The one-one-one intimacy of online and mobile infidelity emerged as a bigger threat to relationships than flirting in person - with both online sex and flirting-by-text strongly regarded as cheating (65% and 35% respectively)

58% of women considered infidelity unforgivable whilst 37% said their decision to end a relationship with a cheating partner would ‘depend on the circumstances’

Online sex and flirting-by-text are both widely considered as cheating and grounds for relationship breakdown.

"Only 2% Of UK Women Put Good Sex On Top Of Their List; Flirting Via Social Media And Text Pose Bigger Threat Than Flirting In Person Says ELLE Magazine." M2PressWIRE (2010): UK/EIRE Reference Centre. EBSCO. Web. 7 Dec. 2010

Cynicism kills attraction

If you've been around the block you sometimes feel like you've seen it all before, that there's nothing new under the sun, that people are greedy and whatever they do it is out of self-interest. In a word, you're cynical.

I finf this a big turn off and I think others do too. Cynical people come across as self absorbed and narrow minded to me.  This subcommunication happens in body language and vocal tone. I feel that they see people as cookie cutters of their past negative experiences and lack the genuine curiousity to find that unique quality in another person. If you have a genuine curiousity and 'love' for other people then that is what is subcommunicated. I love finding out people's  desires and passion and what they mean to them. Once a person opens up about what gets them excited, a huge amount of rapport and attraction.
I've been doing this trick since I was a child. Look around the room and glance at each person, as you do,think about that person as a baby or a child or as a mother holding her baby or a father teaching his kid how to read. See them as real people beyond the facade they present. You'll feel a sort of release in your chest, let it happen.  I'm doing this right now in a bar and there is a smile on my face from the feeling I've generated inside.

Flirting - What the heck is that?

You see her, you talk, you are up close and suddenly there are these uncontrollable feelings you may describe variously as a thrill, twinge, pang, throb,wrench, itch, pricking, chill, glow, load, qualm,hankering, curdling, sinking, tension, gnawing,or shock. These are the descriptions of the sensation felt by the emotional experience of flirting. The inner experience is one of being moved, touched, affected, filled, racked, inflamed, consumed and stirred.  Both sexes love it!

You know what if feels like:
1) Excitement
2) Fun and playfulness - a shared experience
3) Puts this wierd smirk on your face
4) Forces you to move your body around the space of the other person.
5) Connection
6) Turns you on


When I flirt with a woman I feel all of these and the growing desire to have sex with her but this 'growing desire' is actually  a range of emotions that are both shared and private. What's shared is a palpable sense of play and  I feel like almost laughing when I can detect that her own desire is increasing.   Why is  it so much fun?  It's like we are playing a secret game together and I think that's the key: togetherness. There are all these similar feelings shared between the us and this causes the attractiveness already there to be amplified.

Does flirting work. You bet. Here's what Time Magazine says
Research suggests that women who are ovulating are more attracted to flirty men. "The guys they find appealing tend to have characteristics that are attractive in the short term, which include some flirtatious behaviors," says Jeffry Simpson, director of the social psychology program at the University of Minnesota. He's not sure why women behave this way, but it follows that men who bed ovulating women have a greater chance of procreating and passing on those flirty genes, which means those babies will have more babies, and so on. Of course, none of this is a conscious choice, just as flirting is not always intentional. "With a lot of it, especially the nonverbal stuff, people may not be fully aware that they're doing it," says Simpson. "You don't see what you look like. People may emit flirtatious cues and not be fully aware of how powerful they are." 'Why We Flirt. (cover story) By: Luscombe, Belinda. Time, 28/01/2008, Vol. 171 Issue 4, p62-65, 4p,


But what is flirting really? Here's what Wikipedia defines it as:

The act of flirting is non-physical sexual communication where two people negotiate their attraction to each other through body language and verbal tactics. It consists of a sequence of reveals and challenges that serve to communicate , test, and amplify attraction. Revealing attraction is accomplished primarily through body language (hair flicking, eye contact, brief touching etc.) and vocal tone (pace, tone, intonation). Challenges (teasing, questions, qualifying, fake disinterest) serve to test intention and congruity.

Should people already in a relationship flirt? Yes, says the experts.

"It's dangerous, it's wrong--it's the gateway act to cheating. In fact, to some, it is cheating. But the truth is, a little innocent flirting with someone other than your steady can have serious relationship benefits.

First of all, the ego boost you get from flirting with someone new can make you feel as sexy as you did when you and your guy first got together. "Over time, couples get so used to each other, they become complacent," says Yvonne Thomas, Ph.D., a psychologist in Los Angeles. "Flirting with other people brings out the 'Wow!' factor again. It reignites your sexiness and boosts your confidence." The key is that you share the benefits: "You can take that sexy energy home to your husband and use it in the bedroom," says Thomas.

What's more, if your guy bears witness to another man showing some flirtatious interest in you now and then, that's not always a bad thing. "A little jealousy is like a wake-up call," says Ted Huston, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Texas and author of When the Honeymoon Is Over: Wily Some Marriages Succeed and Others Fail. "It reminds you of how lucky you are to have what you have."

Spencer, Amy. "how lying, flirting (with someone else!), & fighting can make you closer." Redbook 207.5 (2006): 182-186. UK/EIRE Reference Centre. EBSCO. Web. 7 Dec. 2010.

Open Report: Theatre night

Theatre
Met this very attractive girl, much younger than I  at a theatre event. I sat beside her and kept up the conversation for about ten minutes until she started giving me clear signs of attraction. I certainly felt a vibe. There was a point where our eyes locked and our legs touched. It was on. At that moment I released the sexual tension by calling out to a friend who came over and talked for a minute. She stopped looking at me and went away to join her own friends.
Clearly I was chicken.  Enough said. A few days later she Facebooked me. Met her by accident a few days later and I felt awkward. Conversation died, she left.
The right thing to do when the sexual tension increased was to go in for the kiss, move her to another part of the room for some comfort building and kissing. Lesson learned.

 

Open Report

I do opens with staff at coffee shops, restaurants and stores. They are soft opens because they are obliged to talk to you and are a great way to warm up.

Shop Open
Walked into a cheese shop the other day to find this beautiful 25 year old behind the counter. She seemed quite distracted when I started talking to her. My conversation was very light banter such as 'How did you get started with cheese'. Now I know this isn't a great question, but we had a joke about it so its helpful to remember that you don't have to think too much about what to say, just talk about whatever is in front of you. If she is into chatting, she will continue talking. I bought some cheese and she gave me double what I ordered for free. Now she didn't contribute a lot to the conversation but she signified in another way that she liked what I was doing by giving me 'free cheese'.  What I liked about my behaviour at this time was that I was clearly indicating interest just by standing talking to her but was also very relaxed and not needy in any way.

 

 

Open Report

The goal of 'Opens' is simply to initiate a conversation with a stranger and continue to the point where they indicate that they either want to continue or discontinue the conversation. There is no outcome beyond that as it is an excercise in approaching strangers and chatting. It can last from thirty seconds to ten minutes. Once the other person starts to contribute equally back to the conversation, the excercise has been fulfilled. That excercise consists of:

1) Approaching one or more people you don't know (singles, mixed sets, 2,3,5 sets)

2) Opening with something situational, an opinion, a request etc.

3) Contributing 90% of the conversation for the first few minutes

4) Leaving the situation gracefully regardless of the outcome.

Lie #1 - Be Yourself

When you are at home you scratch, fart and walk around unshaven shouting at the TV as your team loses (again). When you are in the office, you are groomed, polite, helpful.
Which one of these is 'yourself'? Neither.  They are simply situational behaviours. You behave one way at work, another with your granny and another at home in your apartment. Who you actually are is a discovery you make as you get older and a bit of an enigma. It is not how you behave.

There is some truth in the Be Yourself mantra but it is missing two words.
Be COMFORTABLE WITH Yourself.  This means that when you are at home, the office or out socializing you are in a comfortable state for the most part. However, to be comfortable in situations  and with people with whom you are not familiar is a skill. A skill that must be learned. Therefore even learning to be comfortable with yourself is sort of unnatural. This means that 'Be Yourself' is a big fat lie. You must learn how to be comfortable in lots of different social situations. This requires an enormous effort, hundreds of hours of improving your social interactions through direct contact, reflection and feedback.

The Five Little Lies

What are the five little lies? Each guy has their own, but they are the things men believe about themselves and others which sabotage the one chance of happiness. We end stuck in long term relationships that serve no one or suffer the deprivations of loneliness.
This blog is about rediscovering our purpose, our passion and enjoying the company of women who want to share your adventure.

I believe that if men of all ages improved their social and communication skills that we would see a marked decrease in both depression and aggression.